Ending it all. Surviving post-natal depression.

At about 9 months after the birth of my first baby in 2011 I fell into a deep hole. An accumulation of stress and anxiety was happening to me that was situational.

My husband, son and I were moving into my parent's house to help save money for our house deposit. Moving house, putting our things into storage, cleaning is taxing. My main therapist in my massage clinic gave me her notice to move on and then my son fell incredibly ill and we were in hospital.

I was surviving with un-diagnosed post-natal depression, but didn't know it. My anxiety was through the roof and I was crying so much. I lost motivation to eat because when I feel extreme stress I lose all desire and taste for food. Adrenaline lining my stomach. I had zero passion to even go to work, which is one of my loves.

My mind was always racing and I felt I had no control over the big, black, heavy thoughts. I found it really hard to unwind and go to sleep and once awake I could hardly drag myself out of bed.

I lost my purpose.

I lost my passion and motivation.

I lost my happiness.

I will never forget the moment it all came down to creating a change. It is still so vivid, 10 years later. I was driving home after work with tears streaming down my face. I just felt so depressed and unhappy. Numb. Wanting an escape as I was so sick of getting through it everyday. I wasn't who I wanted to be, a shell of who I was.

Thoughts popped into my head, "I could literally drive straight into a tree here, end it all". How good would that feel? To escape this horrible heavy feeling of slowly suffocating.

But I didn't.

I chose not to. I choose to be here with my family. I thought about the impact of leaving my son who wasn't even a year old. I thought about my husband, who already was deeply impacted by sucicide. I see it breaks hearts and souls and I just couldn't do it to him.

This was my rock bottom.

I then saw my gp and was prescribed anti-depressants. I always thought post-natal depression wouldn't happen to me, I'm so strong mentally.

I am strong. Strong enough to get help when I need to.

If you don't feel like yourself I urgently ask that you seek out a trusted professional.

love, Mel.